Category: coping

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Active Ageing coping Humor Uncategorized

Knocking on Heaven’s Door

An Undeniable Fact of Life
I’ve come screaming up to my 72nd birthday and yes, screaming is the right word to describe it – kicking and screaming would be more accurate.
What I’d like to know is: how did this happen so fast? It was only a short while ago, it seems, that I was longing for my 16th birthday, living for my driver’s license. Then, in the blink of an eye, I was out in the real world, making a living (of sorts) and longing to find a forever love.
Finding my forever love and getting on with my grown-up life was exciting, thrilling even…then I couldn’t wait to become a mommy. Well, that period, though slow in the day-to-day, sped by in another blink, maybe two. Surviving my sons’ teens was a rollercoaster ride, but that quickly passed.
When the grandchildren came along, I felt I had died and gone to heaven. But they, too, are moving through life far too quickly for my liking. And now, here we are, the oldest grandchild turning 16 and living for his driver’s license…and I am 72!
I wake up in the morning with a sore thumb; the joint in my thumb throbs if I try to do anything with it – pull open a drawer, pick up a spoon, push a button. What is that all about?
The thumb pain dissolves, only to be replaced by an excruciating knee pain when I walk the dog. That goes away too, replaced by a throbbing toe…neck, finger, arm, shoulder, eye…take your pick, it’s a merry-go-round of afflicted limbs. Why? I exercise, I eat properly (most of the time), I keep my weight down, so as not to burden my joints and add to their pain.
It’s just ageing, plain and simple. But I refuse to take it lying down, I will fight it to my dying day. And, by fighting, I’m not talking about trying to look younger. I stopped colouring my hair years ago because a blonde, with more wrinkles than hairs on her head looks a little scary. I won’t pay money for plastic surgery; do they still call it that? Oh, it’s cosmetic surgery, as if that makes all the difference. But I will continue to walk everywhere around town, ride my bike to the post office and the library and down to the park along the waterfront. I will go to line dancing and act in Murder Mysteries, read my book club books and keep my writing group together and write and write and write.
I will work hard to show my grandchildren that ageing, though an undeniable fact of life, is not something to be dreaded or feared. It’s a fun time of life and the busier you are, the less time you will have to dwell on the aches and the pains.
And, speaking of the grandchildren, they are the future. Let us not bring them down with negativity, there is so much of it in the world, but let us lift them up, give them hope and promise of a bright future. And when, in the blink of an eye, they are staring 72 in the face, may they laugh, hop on their bikes and ride on without fear. Perhaps, by the time they’ve reached this age, old age pain will be eliminated. One can only hope.

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coping Faith family God Humor love Patience

Knocking on Heaven’s door

Lessons Learned

I am my mother’s daughter. My family will sometimes call me T. Way, when I sound or act like my father – worrying about everything. But I am very much like my mother too. She had numerous admirable qualities, making the raising of seven children appear effortless. Unfortunately, those qualities I did not inherit.

If you were sick, in a household of nine, on a busy school morning, you got short shrift. Mother didn’t spend a lot of time fussing over you. In later years, when she got cancer, most of her friends didn’t know. Never knew about the weeks and weeks of radiation treatments. She continued going to meetings and offering to help on various committees. My sister Patti was truly mother’s daughter, working fulltime through her cancer treatments up until the last few months before she died.

These women taught me that sickness is not something to be pitied or rued. So what am I supposed to do with a man cold? Seriously, I grew up in an unsympathetic household in which sickness was no big deal. So, when my sweet, affable husband turns into a different being entirely, how am I supposed to react? It has always mystified me, for we have been here many times before.

All the day long, never stirring from the bed, then thrashing the sheets and blankets off at 3:00 in the morning, turning on lights, coughing and hacking his way to the bathroom, coming back and falling into bed, wheezing with ragged breaths, too exhausted to care or notice that all the lights have been left on. I get up, rearrange the sheets and blankets, and turn out the lights. Is this done in saintly fashion? Heavens no! It’s more than mild annoyance that propels me out of bed to set things straight. Then I lie there at 3:00 in the morning – wide awake and fuming.

What’s the lesson here? I know there’s a lesson to be learned. I know God is smiling, trying so hard not to laugh – at me…at us. My silent annoyance begins to fade and I too smile. One thing God has blessed me with and for which I am eternally grateful, is a healthy sense of humor. It has carried me through 40-plus years of marriage – and marriage, as we all know, can try the patience of a saint. Though, what saints have and what I sorely lack is patience. God tests me on this attribute (or lack thereof) often. It’s a daily struggle for me, though it is often an easier hurdle to overcome at any other time of the day.3:00 in the morning is really pushing it!

But, let’s look on the bright side – 3:00 am is an ideal time to have a chat with God, who will always calm us down and set us back on the right path. (And that path for me, to the relief of many, has never included a career in nursing.)

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Bargaining coping Faith family God Humor Listening Patience Prayer

Can We Talk?

When I first learned this year’s hunt would not be taking place up north, but practically in our own backyard – I headed to a quiet place to pray. I tried to erase those thoughts of many years ago; the last time the hunt took place down here; the time when it rained solidly for a week and I would come home to find damp, smelly camo gear spread throughout the downstairs. I tried to blot out those 5:00 o’clock mornings – feet stomping, chairs scraping across the kitchen floor, my husband ‘creeping’ back into the bedroom wielding a flashlight, whispering, ‘Go back to sleep,’ then turning on the overhead light to find what he was looking for. I tried not to think of the peaceful simplicity of that brief respite I enjoyed when the hunt took place up north. Why couldn’t they go up north this year? I pleaded to God in prayer. Your husband is getting older, he said, camping is cold and uncomfortable. Why can’t you be more tolerant?

Wow, that was unexpected. I had come to the Lord for sympathy, clearly he intended this to go a different way. I concluded a change in attitude was in order. My impatience, to which God is constantly drawing my attention, would need to checked at the door each and every morning. 

So, rather than try to sleep in, I got up at 5:00 with the hunters – my husband, son, and one other guy. I joined in the morning banter. I joined them at lunch on Monday, when I was home. I was cheery and encouraging. I swept up the mud they tracked in and cleaned up the kitchen – on Monday.

By Thursday, I confess, I was exhausted and when I came home from work to find a kitchen filled with dirty dishes, I was more than a tad annoyed. While I made dinner, I muttered things to God, hoping this time he’d be on my side. He was non-communicative.  That in itself sent a message. It stopped me in my tracks.

At dinner, in a calm and quiet voice, I asked if they continued to take a two hour lunch break, as they had on Monday. Both my husband and son nodded their heads, unaware. And no one had time to deal with all those dirty dishes? I was not angry, I was simply doing with them what God had done with me – he made me stop and think, I was trying to do the same for them, and they got it.

Communication with God and each other is vitally important in keeping peace. Both cases require us to pay attention and listen – to the words, but also to the silence. And at all times – pray. 

                                                  Margery Frisch

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Catholic coping Faith family love Patience Prayer Stength

Absence

It’s difficult to follow the distancing rules we’ve been given. I mean, we do it, but it, at times, makes us sad, mad, and, of course, lonely. My son drove from Collingwood to our house so that he, and my 2 ½ year old grandson could wish me a happy birthday. He wanted me to stay inside, just waving to them from the window. I said, No, I’m coming out, but then of course my grandson wanted to run to me to give me a hug. It’s difficult to explain social distancing to a 2 ½ year old, so my son held his squirming child in his arms and told him I was sick. Everyone is sick, in this poor child’s world now.

We get to see our family on Zoom gatherings and, as nice as we initially believe it to be, we want to touch and hug and be with our loved ones. It’s the same with the Mass: It’s wonderful that we are able to experience the Mass through the internet and through television, but we want to be there – we want to touch, feel and receive the Eucharist; we want to sing with fellow parishioners, to greet them and our priests. We look with longing at our beautiful church that we miss so much.

Is this how the apostles felt when Jesus went away? I think their emptiness and longing are feelings to which we can now relate. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, we certainly understand that sentiment in times like these. But we shouldn’t just sit around waiting. When Jesus ascended into heaven, though they stared up into the sky for quite some time, the apostles soon realized they had better get busy; there was work to be done.

We should not waste this time we’ve been given either. Yes, I miss Mass; I miss my daily interactions with parishioners; I miss my family… But I’m keeping busy and staying sane (I think). Attend Mass on the Internet, or on your TV; pray without ceasing! But stay busy in other ways too – if you live alone, it will help with the boredom, if you live with another, it will keep you from clobbering each other. And let’s look after our neighbours as best we can. We may be in the same storm, but we are not all in the same boat, so let’s help one another. And God bless you – until we meet again.

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Catholic coping Faith God Patience Prayer Social Awareness Stength

Go to Your Room

When I was a child and I misbehaved, I was sent to my room. With seven kids, my parents couldn’t abide a household of civil unrest – nip it in the bud, was their approach, and off to my room I would go. In those days, it was a real punishment – there was only one TV in the house and that was in the den, where the rest of the family would be – laughing and enjoying the Ed Sullivan show, or I Love Lucy. I’d be alone, just listening to the fun from afar. I was supposed to be reflecting on the reason I was in the situation I was in.

Have we been sent to our rooms? Is this our time to sit and reflect on the reason we are in the situation we are in? We’re being deprived of our freedom; we’re unable to celebrate the sacraments. We can view the Mass, but we are only bystanders, observing from a distance, unable to partake of the feast. These are difficult times and all we can do is sit… and reflect.

During Lent, I chose to read a book entitled, The Love That Keeps Us Sane – living the little way of St. Thérèse of Lisieux, by Fr. Marc Foley, a Discalced Carmelite priest. In light of our current situation, I couldn’t have picked a better focus for my Lenten journey. One chapter is called, the Sanity of Silence – the title, as you can imagine, is self-explanatory. Hard as I try to grasp the concept, though – I fail. When the only other person I see day after day is my husband…and things, from time to time can get tense, it’s important that I get that concept right, so I try and try again – there’s lots of time for practice.

There’s also time for prayer. Many of us feel frustrated being cooped up at home, but think of our health care workers, think of the grocery store clerks, think of all those who put themselves (and their families) at risk every day. Pray for them. Think of those who are sick with the virus; those who have died from it. Pray for them. Complain less and pray more.

Some see this tragic time as a sign of God’s anger. In my opinion, God is not an angry vengeful God. As Pope Francis says, “It is not the time of God’s judgment, but of our own…” I do not believe God causes these things to happen, but he certainly uses them as teaching moments for his children. He has sent us to our room. What can we learn from this epic time in our lives, and will we hold on to the things we have learned, to those things God wishes to teach us, once this is over?

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coping Death Faith God Humor love Prayer Stength Trust

Who’s in Charge?

Last Saturday I was dusting the living room, when, on the table where the orchids stood, I found a card, just sitting there. It said, “Good Morning! This is God. I will be handling all your problems today. I will not need your help, so enjoy your day.”

I looked up, I looked around. I don’t know where the card came from or how it got there (my husband was on a camping trip with our son and grandson, so there was no one to ask), but the warmth I felt from reading that card, was indescribable.

I promptly set down my duster, sauntered into the kitchen and made a cup of tea. Basking in that warmth, I sipped my tea while reading a good book. In time I wandered back into the living room and looked around.

“Ah,” I said, looking heavenward, “my strong aversion to house-work is not one of those problems you were talking about. Deeper problems are more your concern. I get it.”

Still, those kind words had lifted me up and I did have that nice little respite with the cup of tea, so I was refreshed and ready to resume the task at hand.

How often do we forget who’s in charge? How often do we go through our days with lists of things we must do, people we must see, jobs we must complete, with no thought of God and what he has in mind for us?

Or, do you ever have this feeling? An overwhelming sense that you are doing God’s will. You get all puffed up with this thought, immersed in this sense of the Divine that you sit back, bringing your work to a standstill.  Well that’s not what God has in mind either. We may feel his commendation, his support, but he does expect us to get the work done.

The problems he offers to handle for us are the heavy ones, the burdens too heavy for us to carry alone. Over time, we begin to wonder how we can possibly get through – tragedies, illnesses, deaths of our loved ones…

“Good morning!” he says, “This is God. I will be handling all your problems today, I will not need your help, so enjoy your day.” If we sit in quiet contemplation, we will know this; we will know he is there, we will feel his presence. We don’t need a little card sitting on a table to remind us that God is always there for us. Still, a card from a loved one is always welcome, isn’t it? Enjoy your day.

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Bargaining coping Patience Prayer Trust

Let Go…

We’ve all heard that sage piece of advise…we’ve probably used it ourselves, to help someone working through difficult times.  But what does it really mean to us?  Often, when I’m fretting about something, I tell myself to ‘let go and let God.’  But do I really do that?  Do you?

It occurred to me recently, that I’m very selective about what I turn over to God.  ‘It’s ok,’ I might as well be saying, ‘I’ve got it now, I can take it from here.’  Really?  When I’ve got my head on straight, I realize that God does not do things in half measures, but you know what?  He’s not going to argue about it.  ‘You’ve got it?  Fine, go for it,’ is how I imagine him replying (probably with the tiniest smirk).  We’re like children, aren’t we, thinking we can do everything ourselves.  Picture a child carrying something far too heavy for their size and stature.  They’re stubborn though, insisting they’re big enough to carry their load…until the overwhelming weight of the thing stops them dead in their tracks, forcing them to admit defeat.  That’s us!  And it’s laughable, the way we think we can do everything for ourselves.  But, just as we are, or were, with our own children, God is patient with us.  Waiting for us to turn our minds and hearts back to him.  He’s there, always, to pick up the pieces and set us straight, once again.

So why fret?  Why struggle?  Why can’t we just let go…and let God direct the course of events with which we’ve been wrestling?  It goes along the same lines as the way we pray.  We pray for this and we pray for that, very specifically, instead of praying for the strength and courage to accept and follow God’s will.

“Act as if everything depended on you; trust as if everything depended on God,” said Saint Ignatius of Loyola.  Wouldn’t it just be so easy, uncomplicated and freeing to let God pilot our course?  I say this as if it’s the way I live my life.  Oh if that were true.  I will reiterate…I’m selective about what I let God pilot, and even then, I want to be co-pilot!  This is why prayer is essential to our wellbeing.  It centers us, puts us back on the right track with our Lord and helps us to see the bigger picture.  So, let’s think twice before we go to sit in that driver’s seat (so to speak) and defer to the one who truly is in control at all times.  We just might enjoy the ride.

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Catholic coping Death Faith family God love Stength Trust

Love and Faith

Many years ago, the year after my brother-in-law died, my sister was visiting and when we got back to the house, I played a message that was left on the answering machine. It was from my son and he ended with, “I love you.” I looked at my sister, who heard the message too, “That,” I said, “has been happening ever since Jake died.” Tears immediately came to her eyes. Mine too.

Death touches us in many and varying ways. Our sons were in their early 20s when their uncle died. They’re in their late 30s now, they both end each phone conversation with, “Love you, mom.” And now their cousin has died. 10 – 11 years older than my sons, but the impact is great.

Amy’s funeral was at St. Mary’s church in Ayer, Massachusetts and the priest knew her well. His homily touched everyone – non-believers as well as the many congregants who came in shock and sorrow to say goodbye to a wonderful, giving and loving woman. Our sons were touched too. They, as so many did, commented on the priest’s homily.

‘God is love,’ he said, ‘and Amy lived that love that comes from God. Now Amy is gone and it is up to every one of us to fill that gap that’s left behind. All that she did; all the love that she gave; it’s up to us to fill that gap – to spread that love that she spread, wherever we can – in her honor.’ Our sons were listening, and they’ve taken those words to heart.

You know, we as parents do not have to preach, there’s really no need. We simply live our love and faith as best we can and let God do the rest. And do not think for a moment that God will not take care of things. Be still and know that I am God. Ps. 46.10

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coping Faith God love Prayer Spiritual Renewal Stength Trust

The Nature of Things

The heavens are telling the glory of God

And all creation is shouting for joy.

Come dance in the forest, come play in the fields

And sing, sing to the glory of the Lord.

My heart was bursting with this hymn the other morning on my run.  The sky was azure blue, birds’ song filled the air, the temperature was perfect.

If only every day was like that.  Then there are those ‘why me, Lord?’ kind of days that go downhill from breakfast, or the morning commute.  Life can get pretty hectic, chaotic even.  We get tired and grouchy and we just want the world to stop.  That’s a natural reaction to a day gone wrong.  But that’s exactly the time to turn to others; concentrate on the needs of others.  If we would just open our eyes and look around us, we’d see family members, friends, and acquaintances struggling with far greater concerns.  Some are plagued with money troubles, others marital difficulties and then there are those with life-threatening illnesses – some are facing many of these things all at once.  We have all been witness to those who have endured one trial after another and we wonder how they do it.  How do they go on, stay sane, maintain their dignity, hold their heads high?

There’s an age-old expression that tells us God never gives us more than he feels we can handle.  This is actually believed to be a twisted paraphrasing of 1 Corinthians 10:13. “No testing has overtaken you that is not common to everyone.  God is faithful, and he will not let you be tested beyond your strength, but with the testing he will also provide the way out so that you may be able to endure it.”

Open SkiesSadly, some can’t endure it.  They are struck down and never seem to recover.  Then there are those who bounce back, get up on their feet again and again, ever moving forward.   They are truly blessed because they know that God will not test them beyond their strength; they trust that their burdens are not unlike others and God will help them through, he will provide them with a way out.  They know love.   Surely, I could not deal with all they’re going through, we say to ourselves.  But we could.  We have.  We are those people – when we trust in the love that is God…and sing – sing to the glory of the Lord.

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coping Faith family God love Stength Trust

Love and Admiration

When my boys were 9 and 10, my sister’s girls were right into their teens – I did not envy Jean at that time. Boys are easier, was my mantra. I would repeat it time and time again, as I pulled them off one another, wrestling on the floor. Then, in a flash, my boys were in their teens and my sister’s daughters were in their mid-twenties, married, and at that point in time that every parent longs for – they regarded my sister as if she really did know what she was talking about. The tables turned. I envied my sister. She called one day bursting with happy news – both of her daughters were expecting, due dates one month apart. I envied her even more.  Mothers of sons can never know that intimate bond mothers and daughters share, especially when they begin to have babies. My nieces chose loving, caring husbands who grew close as brothers themselves.

This family of my sister’s is a thing to behold. When Jean lost her husband, over a decade ago, in a tragic accident, those kids – daughters and sons-in-law – formed a loving, protective shield around Jean until she was ready to face the world again.

They are a unit of love and strength and it’s a good thing, too, because they are once more faced with tragedy. Jean’s youngest daughter has been diagnosed with a rare and fatal brain disease – incurable, untreatable, and, though the family is reeling, they will not falter. My sister says that, since her daughter’s diagnosis, the family has gathered every night for dinner, prepared by her oldest daughter and her husband, who live and work an hour away. The beauty of this family is that their faith and strength is not simply in one another, it is, more importantly, in God. There has not been any blame expressed; no anger directed at God. Why? What would be the point? This family knows well, it is God who helps us through these unthinkable trials; they need him more than ever.

When we are faced with difficult situations – tragedies – we need to focus on our blessings, we cannot be so completely dragged down by the events before us that we cannot see what God has given us…to help us through. He gives us one another; he gives us love and strength through each other.

My sister and her family know this and count on it and are blessed with it. I never really did envy my sister. Admiration is a better word. I have always admired her – her strength, her love, her faith, and how she and her family use God’s gifts – to grow.